Tag Archives: Kylee

Kylee is almost done!

Almost done! Can you believe it?! April 8th, 2015!

So amazing that there’s actually a date in which we will be done! It may not be forever though.. reasons later.

Kylee has had about 4-5 ear infections since she’s started feeding therapy. Four.to.five. i say this because, damnit, I lost count. In April she will also be seeing a new ENT who will hopefully decide tubes are the answer. We tried to convince her last ENT but, he was unreceptive. Went against what we felt was right and so now we have decided to go to a new guy. Either way, the ear infections have got to stop. They have added on almost another 2 weeks to her feeding therapy. But, there is an end in sight, which really is the point.

Our 830-330 monday-friday situation will end. With this end i feel Charlee will get more of the attention she needs (although her babysitters have been fantastic!) Her birthday is 4-2 and her birthday party is 3-29 (this sunday). i really want the whole day to be about her. We will be hush hush about Kylee being fed; upstairs with one person in attendance.

Her grandma Postma went through training last week and wrote a really gripping Facebook update:

I had the pleasure of spending my day with Kylee and participating in her feeding therapy. When Eric told me I needed to be trained so I could feed her I thought “whats to know? Can’t you just show me”. I now understand why he said plainly, (and “you” have to know Eric to appreciate this) “No”. I first got to observe behind a two way mirror “the process” and just thought OMG, you really want me to do this? It’s one bite of food, praise, toy for 5 secs, drink, praise, toy for 5 sec, drink, praise toy for 5 sec, and over again. Goal, complete the entire feeding in 9 mins..Holy Cow, its like a marathon, and if you don’t have the right rythm your screwed. Oh, and don’t forget to periodically weigh the drink to make sure you are giving her the right amount each time, and if she throws up, ignore it, wipe it up, and keep moving. As crazy as it sounds, Ky loves it and is doing awesome. We are so proud of her. I have to say though after spending the day with a room full of other children, all of whom have feeding tubes, and their parents, we are truly blessed to have such great medical care for our children right here in GR. Helen DeVos is something to brag about. All of the parents I met today live in other parts of the state, and some are staying at the Ronald McDonald house during the week. This feeding therapy program is only 1 of 8 in the whole nation! Tomorrow will be my second and last day of training, gotta tell you I’m a little nervous, this is not an easy job, but I am so happy I can be a part of it.

feeling grateful.

The hardest part about all of this is she needs to eat within 9 minutes to be truly successful. Why? Because the doctors have found out after 9 minutes she ‘feels’ full and doesn’t like the feeling. She then starts to throw up the food to clear that feeling.

I am not sure i can better phrase the process. Drink, drink, praise, toy, bite, praise, toy.. rinse and repeat. Unless it’s a drink only meal.. then drink, drink, praise, toy, drink, drink, praise, toy. Oh! and wait, if there’s a sign of gag/vomit/discomfort turn on mickey mouse clubhouse and then deal with a MMC zombie (as I call her).

I’ll admit, I thought I did well with her this week. i went 3 of 4 days. 2 of which i came off of closes (meaning, i had 3 hours of sleep). Luckily, Eric would watch the girls on our 2 hour breaks so I would come home to nap in between feedings.

Yes, she puked. Yes, it was hard to handle. Apparently, we also do not say ‘please’ or ‘thank you.’ We make demands. “Take a bite. Take a drink.” Not “Please, Kylee, for God’s sake, take a bite!” We, as parents and grandparents, are in charge, not you, you little 24 lb child of mine.

So, I did well. I fed her. Three days this week. Then, today, on my day off, I struggled. Today, she decided she would spit her drinks out. Let them leak onto her bib and laugh. Blow raspberries and laugh.

I heard, “ha, mom, you suck.” I got VERY overwhelmed.

Eric was in the kitchen. After the third drink-and-spit I said “I can’t do this”. I shook with emotion. Eric came over and filled in as i walked away.

I’m an emotionally charged person, always have been. This got me. Now, instead of puking (uncontrollably, and forgivable) she’s going to spit it out at-will? I think not.

“Ignore it,” Eric said.

“I’m trying!” I yelled.

Seriously, it is the hardest thing to do ever. It’s like ignoring someone punching you square in the heart. Like, wham! Haha! Breathe now, ma!

He fed her the rest of her last meal and I sat in the bathroom, moping. Feeling as if failure would surround us forever.

But, I have to realize. She’s 2 1/2. She’s going to do these things no matter if she’s able to eat or not. She will retaliate, test the waters, push the limits, cross lines. I have to know that. I just wish she KNEW how much eating is an importance. It is the most important thing in this home. Not only are her parents cooks/chefs we are advocates of eating. We love to eat, and she WILL too. It has to happen.

The bad news, if she doesn’t successfully progress into solid foods we will have to go back to feeding therapy. I know now, though, that we can make it happen. What I mean by all that is; how a 9 month old progresses from purees to solid foods is how Kylee should now progress. But, lets face it, she’s not so easily predicted. We may go back, and that’s ok.

She is ok, I am ok, Eric is ok, Charlee is ok.

WE will survive.

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Kylee’s first day

I don’t know how often I’ll be able to update on Kylee’s progress but now is as good a time as any to start.

First, I would like to say thank you for all the support and love. It means a lot to our family.

Eric took Kylee to her first intensive day after dropping off Charlee at her aunt’s. I work a lot of mornings right now so it’s more rough on Eric. I constantly tell him how amazing he is. He truly is what holds us all together.

Anyway, Kylee has been doing outpatient feeding therapy for a long while now. She was going every tuesday and thursday for about 30 mins in the morning. Charlee was allowed to be at these sessions because Eric sat in a 2-way-mirrored room and watched. So, Ky is no stranger to the feeding rooms, daycare-like “waiting room” and the kids that have come and gone.

During the day i text Eric and asked how it was going. He said he was bored, understandable, but that Kylee was doing well. He said he couldn’t wait to talk to me about it.

When i got home from work he whipped out a handy dandy note book and told me everything we are suppose to do (slightly overwhelming) and told me that kylee had done GREAT today. He said he even thinks that she may finish early (but lets not get ahead of ourselves.. this is day one). He said Kylee had eaten 6 oz of food. That’s a whole container and a half of baby food! She has never in the history of EVER eaten more than a 1/4 of a container of baby food. I started crying.

THEN he proceeded to tell me that the doctors told him she pukes up solid foods because she’s been on a bottle so long. When you drink out of a bottle for that long your tongue is use to going front to back. when you chew food your tongue goes side to side (i see you over there sticking out your tongue trying to see for yourself lol). Anyway, when she gets solid food in her mouth she just front-to-backs it down her throat which chokes her and makes her gag then throw it up. Unfortunately, we had to keep her on bottles this long because she wouldn’t eat a substantial amount of baby food. Because she has always been small (born 4 lbs) we had to be sure she was getting the optimal amount of calories. Therefore, she was unable to get rid of the liquid nutrition.

so then i cried.

Again.

Because FINALLY someone could say WHY this was happening, and with DAMN GOOD REASON. FINALLY, someone could say, THIS IS FIXABLE.

Eric ended our conversation by saying the doctors believe she will be off bottles completely by the end of the 8 weeks (or less!). So… yep.. i cried.

She wont be able to eat solid food quite so fast, because her tongue/mouth has to get use to moving the food around first. So after 3-4 months of the purees she should be able to then eat a piece of cookie, bacon, anything delicious.

I must admit I’m slightly apprehensive. If there’s one thing I know about Kylee it’s that she comes with a lot of “buts.” But, I’m way too happy to even think about those. I am just so excited for her. And I’m excited to cook for her! And I’m excited to MAYBE be able to feed her a piece of cake on her birthday.

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My little 80s munchkin!

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Oh.. you didn’t know?

So, i’m a kitchen manager. A kitchen manager at a pretty well known chain restaurant. My job is pretty chaotic and unpredictable (based on my location). In the past week we have fired/hired or thought about either. We have been busier than usual, which is awesome, but leaves very little time to spend with my family. Being a manager has, by far, been the most tiring, trying job of my life. If i open i get home in time to say good night and put my girls to bed. If i close i spend the day calculating what bottle to give when, when naps are and which doctors appointments are more important, if I mid I say good morning, leave and come back to a sleeping household. I just feel stuck sometimes. However, the crew i work with (kitchen, front of house, managerial) is amazingly supportive. I got myself into this job and i will keep myself there however long I’m wanted/needed.

(Semi-side note-My GM has been absolutely amazing working with my family and I… reasons to follow)

Kylee starts an intensive feeding program this week (Thursday to be exact). It is 830am until 245 pm. it is basically a JOB. And it is Monday through Friday for 8 weeks. We got through a heart surgery, and work constantly on any mile stones she may be behind, but this… this is a whole other beast. 8 weeks of constant feeding therapy? The icing on the cake is the program doesnt allow us to have Charlee there with us. So, that means a baby sitter any time both of us aren’t off of our jobs. So, Eric is going down to just weekends at his job, and I’m begging my GM to schedule me to be home so that we don’t have to pay for a babysitter; we can’t afford.

Luckily, we have lots of support from family, co-workers and friends to help. But, it’s still going to be a struggle.  I cant begin to explain the hopes i have for this program. If it doesn’t work…. I’m not sure what will.

A little update on the girls…

Kylee: 21 lbs 32″ (2 yrs old) and just about walking. She’s still very much behind on the walking but doing fantastically lately. She has been taking many more steps and letting go of supports. She seems to not have the confidence to let go of walls/ledges/shelves/walkers etc… We have a few videos of her walking towards Eric and it’s amazing. It’s just like the excitement we felt when she was first rolling/crawling etc..

Charlee: 20 lbs 11 oz 30″ (9 months old). Charlee is amazing. Although, not without her problems. Her little feets are still curved inwards. She doesnt sit herself up either, which is super frustrating. However, she does stand well, chat well, eat well and generally function without problem. She just seems to know mommy and daddy will sit her down or lay her down without problem. I think a lot of her issues come with us not knowing quite when things are supposed to happen. It’s already so weird for us that she weighs as much as she does. And she sits! Without assistance? And she can get herself across a room without crawling (she scoots on her bum). She seems to be very attached to me. When i leave the room she cries. This makes it very difficult to leave, but it reassures me that i am loved and needed.

In the coming weeks I can only hope for answered questions to Kylee’s eating habits and Charlee finally realizing she can sit herself up. Otherwise, i am surely reminded, that I asked for my children and will fight for whatever they need. Whether it be help, reassurance or just love. I am here for them!

Please keep Kylee’s progress in mind in the coming weeks! It would mean a lot!

In the mean time….

Try these recipes!

http://www.singingthroughtherain.net/2013/06/loaded-chicken-and-potatoes.html#_a5y_p=2916809

So good! especially with http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/jeff-mauro/bbq-kale-chips-recipe.html and seasoning on the potatoes!!

Also, my favorite and a WELL requested cookie

http://honestcooking.com/banana-chocolate-chip-cookies/

All are so so good! Even the Kale chips!

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Let’s share…

So, I’ve been gone for a while..

I had a baby. Gimme a break ya’ll.

She’s a gem.. my little #minime as hashtagged by instagram.. but she is a HANDFUL. Definitely a crier.. definitely a complainer.. although she cant use words yet.. i can hear her saying.. “but mom, hold me now” or “hey dad, kylee’s has had enough, lets do this.” She LOVES to cry when she doesn’t get enough attention, LOVES to squirm and freak out when we sit her down and she decides sitting is for the birds. I can tell all she wants to do is move around like sissy. I’ve seen her complete circles on her belly, flip off her boppy and motion (backwards) as she tries to crawl. I’m not mad at her though. she’s damn cute.. a definite #minime.. which means in a few years.. she’ll have to watch what she eats.. lol. JK, she can do what she wants. I do think she will be tall though. She ranks high in height and mid in her weight which evens her out nicely. Her head is in the 95th percentile though, which makes it very difficult to fit shirts over. She seems smaller than kylee, yet at the same time, stockier and larger in a different way. One day she will quit taking the smacks and scratches and just knock kylee on her ‘youknowwhat.’ As I often think she knows she can.

Charlee.. however, does have a slight foot problem called metatarsus adductus. Basically, her feet are in the shape of kidneys and she has a slight curve to her stance. It’s something, I’ve realized lately, that i may or may not have had a problem with. i’ve become more observant of the way i stand. I seem to stand on the outsides of my feet. i can stand comfortably on the outsides of both my feet. Which is odd, i know, but something i never realized. However, having been seen by a doctor and pointed out, we are getting charlee special shoes, which should correct the “problem.” with time. the shoes will straighten her feet and make it easier for her to walk in the future. Nothing she will need for a long time.

Kylee is a different story, however, she for sure needs hearing aids at her ripe ‘ol age of 2. Her left ear is worse than her right but she will be getting aids for both. She can hear a regular conversation but cannot hear the tones to words. For instance, the word ‘walk’.. she cant hear the ‘k’ so she says ‘wahhh.’ she will show us or tell us in the future if she wants to keep them, but for the time being they will help her to learn to speak. What sucks about the whole situation is we have to travel an hour away to get her these aids because the closest pediatric hearing facility (that takes her 3 insurances) is in Kalamazoo. Can you believe that? A hearing facility for pediatrics closest to us doesn’t accept “Childrens special health care.” Isn’t that the definition? bad hearing=special health care? It kind of infuriates me. I’ve accepted it, her appointment is tomorrow. But, it doesn’t upset me any less.

Besides hearing, kylee is now in a special feeding program through Helen De Vos. She goes 2x a week and has a therapist named Greta. Greta is amazing. She is doing so much better already. There is a chance, however, that Kylee will need to attend the “intensive” feeding program which is 9am-2pm monday through friday. This wouldn’t be bad if they didn’t follow up with “and we have no room for charlee, so she can’t be here.” Like… THE HELL? what am i suppose to do with Charlee? They say daycare… i say.. screw that, man! She’s 7 months old.. give me a break.. she takes up a couple feet of space… We are really hoping that the out patient therapy goes REALLY WELL and we wont have to completely change our lives because this program doesn’t allow siblings… or have a convenient daycare. I just dont understand…. so you pay for the therapy (or insurance does) then you pay to take time off for said child.. then you pay for daycare because you have a second kid who doesn’t need help? It just makes no sense. Basically, we would be paying for charlee’s daycare with one or more of our paychecks. It’s very discouraging, and puts many things in perspective. Not to mention, neither of our jobs is willing to allow us to take 8-10 weeks off work… PLUS, we couldn’t afford that anyway. It’s all so much.

So, besides my stress about that….

Kylee has been doing SO well. She’s talking more, smiling more, and standing more. Although she still will not let go of things around her to just stand on her own, we have caught her, a couple times, standing up slightly on the couch (dangerous, but we watch her) and on carpeted areas at friends’ houses. As far as I’ve read this is how standing on your own and walking on your own begins… so we definitely encourage it. I just really hopes she gains some confidence soon, because carrying her and pushing Charlee is difficult.

So… Charlee is 7 months old. she is an absolute cutie-patootie. Kylee is 2 years old and has some set backs but gets a more energetic and fun personality day by day. We love them so much. While they are challenging they are everything and more to us and we wouldn’t change them for the world. Kylee looks just like her dada and Charlee looks EXACTLY like me. It’s almost uncanny. We only hope they continue to progress and that kylee continues to be a wondrous addition to the world (which i know she will be.. and is).

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dada (eric on the left, Kylee on the right)

 10678788_10102657329796798_8644825942448468499_n charlee 10710954_10102633439742658_2482100876562298437_n Charlee top left, me top right and bottom left, my brother bottom right

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Let’s Talk Thumbs

I know I haven’t updated in a few days but let’s just say work had me busting my pregnant butt harder than I probably should have. I made it through though and thought about cooking dinner last night. Thought about it until Eric said “listen, you’re sore, I’m tired, let’s go to Chili’s” and who am I to argue? But, we did go grocery shopping afterwards so this week I have no excuses. Starting with a sweet and simple something coming later today. 

This post, however, isn’t about food at all. It’s about Kylee’s thumbs. Her 3rd thumb to be exact. She was born polydactyly and has a 2nd thumb on her right hand. When they first told me about it in the hospital I didn’t believe them. I was high as a kite coming out of surgery but do remember asking specifically “does she have all 10 fingers and toes?” They didn’t tell me until later that yes she had all ten fingers and toes but also another finger. I laughed it off until Eric said “no, really” with a serious face. I just replied with “uhm, well ok.” What was I going to do about it? What did it mean? Was she deformed or disfigured any where else? No. So, who cares about a 3rd thumb? Not me, not Eric and not anyone that loves her.

But, the use of her thumb(s) isn’t very controlled and she would definitely benefit from having it removed. Not to mention the ridicule she will endure once she gets into school with mean bratty kids. I can see her in the future hiding her thumb in long sleeve shirts and hoodie pockets completely scared and ashamed that someone will see it. Or, maybe she’ll be like check this out and pick something up with them and do some kind of trick. I know that’s what her dad would do. He would probably be the one to teach her. Alas, I cannot predict the future. I only know that we have decided to get it removed while it’s developing and can get it done as early as this month if we really wanted to.

After 2 appointments with a pediatric plastic surgeon and one Xray of her hand we can choose a date. Any date, go ahead. Pick. So, Eric says “January.” At first I’m all for it. It’s after the holidays and before Charlee gets here and makes things a bit more difficult. Seems logical. Until I found out that she’ll have to be intubated. (For those of you who don’t know, that’s when they put a breathing tube down your throat to help you while you’re under anesthesia incase you stop breathing or incase anything goes wrong.) Not a big deal for a lot of people. Unless you’re Kylee, who was intubated when she had heart surgery and thy found out during the process that her trachea is irregularly shaped and had to RE-intubate her 3 times. Or unless you’re Kylee, who can’t seem to swallow solids correctly, which makes me worry that there’s some kind of scar tissue build up from the former intubation. Will this intubation make it worse? Will something else go wrong? Will the “one night stay” turn into a week or two again? There’s no way to know. And that is what scares the ever-lovin-begeesus out of me.

In January I will be almost 7 months pregnant. Can I endure this stress? And Kylee is on the brink of crawling, will this delay her (again)?

So, I asked the doc all of these questions today. He was somewhat vague and unsure in his answers. He said, for sure, that we do not want to wait until she’s 12 or something. That this “shouldn’t” delay her again. And she “should” heal quickly. The surgery “should” take an hour and a half and she will “probably” have to stay one night just in case. She will have to be in a full arm cast for “about” 4-6 weeks. He also said her hand will never look “normal.” He doesn’t believe there will be any problems with the intubation this time, because the surgery will be done at the same hospital as her heart surgery so they know of her past surgical history. That’s all good to “know.”

A little bit of back story though, with Kylee, if it has a 2-5% chance of happening it WILL. She had about 3 or more things happen during and after her heart surgery that the doctors never saw coming and in one cause (Chyloparicardium) had never even seen before. What’s to say a minor thumb removal surgery won’t produce some problems?

What this all comes down to is me at a stand still. I think we should wait a year, but I see the benefits of doing it now. It also comes down to me being the one who has to get through it.  Eric is solid as a rock and very very positive that everything will be fine. My anxiety, however, tells me otherwise. I really think I just needed to get this all written down and share a little bit. We have to make our decision within the next couple of days and I’m already consumed with worry.

photo (10) This is her hand. They would be removing the outer thumb. She barely let me take this picture so sorry if it’s blurry.

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These are the different kinds of polydactyly that can happen. Kylee has the type 4.

I wish I could have gotten a picture of the Xray but I didn’t, maybe next time.

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Big News on Halloween (and some pumpkin seeds)

Today Eric, Kylee and I went to my high risk OB/GYN and had an in depth ultrasound. The ultrasound tech did awesome walking us through all of our baby’s anatomy and showed us the goods.

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The tech said it so nonchalantly. Like, “and, it’s a girl.” It caught me off guard as I stared at the screen like. Oh hey, there’s a brain, a heart, a leg and a vahjayjay. We were like “WHAT? WHERE?! ARE YOU SURE?!” I asked her to go back and look a little later. Maybe she had been mistaken, but no, that picture was very clear. Apparently, I am not meant to have a boy. So, haha suckers another mini me! Watch out I’m having two awesome chiquitas. I am, however, hoping this one actually looks like me so that I’m not caring around two blonde hair blue eyed beauties, having people ask me if I’m the baby sitter lol. We are also glad that we really don’t need anything for this little girl given that Kylee’s clothes are still ready to be worn and they will be able to share everything else. We might need some paint for her room, but even then I have an idea to use up the same colors (aka leftovers) we used in Kylee’s room.

The doctor said that this lil bambina is perfectly healthy so far and has only 10 fingers and toes. He said she has no signs for down syndrome and is right on target as far as growth. He kept saying “we can easily see through you” and at one point he said something like “you’re skinny.” HUH?! No one has ever used that word with me. Skinny. BAHAHAH but hey, thanks doc, I’ll definitely be back! They got perfect pictures of her heart, kidneys, brain and blood flow. as well as her skeletal structure. Which apparently is not so common in someone who is only 17 weeks. At least losing weight was good for something (other than, ya know, being healthy and stuff).

Eric has been working on the pumpkin for a couple days now and I must say he did amazing. I thought of the idea a few weeks ago and he made it come alive. He refused to let me tell anyone until he was done and had it all lit up. Our moms were chomping at the bit. I like to keep people on the edge of their seats so it was fun making them wait a little.

After we got home I decided I would finally make some pumpkin seeds and wait for the onslaught of Facebook comments/likes and family texts and questions. Which I welcome with open arms. I love my friends and family for being so so supportive and happy for us!

Anyway, the pumpkin seeds turned out amazing! (this time) In the past I have really botched them. One year I burnt the crap out of them and the next I way over seasoned them and probably overcooked them as well. Either way I did intensive research today via the internet. Apparently, it’s best to boil them before baking them. I never knew! And the insides cook faster than the outside so you can’t really tell a seed by its cover. I never knew that either! Here’s the recipe I followed.

Ingredients:

Your pumpkin’s seeds, cleaned of all guts

1-2 teaspoons Extra virgin olive oil

1-2 teaspoons Kosher salt (to taste)

Directions:

Boil seeds for 10 mins in salted water. Strain then pat dry and lay out in a single layer on a sheet tray/cookie sheet. I lined mine with aluminum foil for easier clean up. Drizzle EVOO and salt on top of seeds and bake at 325 for 10 mins. stir then bake for another 15-20. The timing, I found, depends on your oven and how crunchy you want your seeds. I like mine nice and crunchy (probably why I’ve burned them in the past). After they’re done I sprinkled a little more salt over them. And YUM!

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Finally, I would like to add that my baby girl, Kylee, was a little chef for Halloween. She even had a little whisk which doesn’t show up in pictures very well. She’s the cutest little thang we ever did see. SEE

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P.s. We have picked a name for #2…

Charlee Jessica Postma! 

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Baby (kylee) Weight Worries

One of the biggest issues we have with our daughter Kylee is weight gain. Since her tiny entry to this world at 4 lbs 1 oz we have been carefully calculating her weight and what she eats. She’s finally close to 15 lbs (which seems like a huge milestone for some reason) but not without setbacks. At one year of age you would think my little girl would be taking back 6-8 oz bottles like all the other big kids but we are constantly struggling to get her to take 4 or 5. Especially lately, since she’s been on Pediasure, which they switched her to when she turned one.

A nurse visit from a school nearby made me see how obsessed I am with her weight when she asked me how much Kylee weighed and I said “14 lbs 7 oz” in which she replied “those ounces mean a lot to you huh?” Yes. Yes they do. Bottles with 1/2 ounce and full ounces left in them make me want to cry and plead. Knowing her weight makes me feel better. Until today when it made me feel worse.

I’ve already been an emotional pregnant mess since this morning when Kylee finally waved at someone for the first time and then clapped. I cried. Then we get to the doctor and the scale said she had lost 2 ounces. I cried, more. I couldn’t stop. Eric had no idea what to do he just said “it’ll be fine, that’s why we’re here.” Which was true. We were there to get answers as to why she was all the sudden refusing to eat more than a couple ounces at a time unless she was falling asleep. And why solids make her gag and then sometimes throw up. We were also there to see why she was so backed up (if you know what I mean). The doctor said to go back to her formula (Gentlease) because that had been working for her and to give her Miralax for the constipation. Ok, easy enough fixes. She also said she would get us another appointment for a swallow study, but that she believed her aversion to solids was texture-based. All perfectly good easy things to do to fix the weight problem. Go backwards.

Until we got home with a fresh bucket of formula and tried to give her a bottle.

It was an instant gag and shaking no of the head. NO WAY MOM.. YOU’RE NOT PUTTING THAT IN THIS MOUTH. I don’t know if you’ve ever smelled formula but it smells like a babies excrements. Why would she want that again? After having eaten Pediasure chocolate, strawberry and vanilla goodness? I don’t blame her, even I like the taste of that stuff.

So, now we’re back to the stressed out stage. I might cry again.

I’m constantly told “look how far she’s come” and “stay positive” which I try to do, but it’s really hard. I live in the now, and right now I know that she’s lost weight and still won’t eat. Since when do babies LOSE weight? I thought that didn’t happen until they got older and became super picky eaters who will only snack on Twizzlers or pick at their pizza.

What this all comes down to is not knowing what’s going to happen. Maybe tomorrow she’ll chug all of her bottles and surprise us all. I doubt it, but maybe. This is when I’d like to see the future. See her as a happy healthy child running around getting into dirt and trouble, hell, I’ll even take breaking things at this point.

I just want to KNOW she’s going to be ok.

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